Where do I even begin? I have been wanting to blog about this for awhile but didn't know how to talk about it. It is a very personal issue, but something I want to get off my chest and be able to talk about because it has become a big part of my life. This blog is the journal keeping I do, and this is a large part of my life so I might as well blog about it.
I guess I could start with infertility sucks. Infertility is, hands down, the hardest trial I have ever gone through and probably will ever go through. It's hard seeing all your friends, family, strangers get pregnant (and some by "surprise") when others are struggling with infertility and doing everything humanly possible to get pregnant and it not working. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for my friends and family that are blessed with children, I just wish it was me. I wish I didn't have hundreds of doctors appointments. I wish I didn't have to get poked, prodded and tested. I wish I didn't have to take a ton of different hormones and medications. I wish all that poking, prodding, medications and hormones worked. I wish I could get pregnant. I know a lot of you are probably thinking I am crazy for wanting to get pregnant at such a "young" age, but it's what I've wanted since I was a child myself. I've always wanted to be a mom. I think that's why I enjoy nannying so much. I get to be the "mom" I can't be to my own children. Becoming a mom is so important to me that I will do whatever it takes. That's why we have decided to do IVF.
I guess I should start from the beginning. After a year of marriage Nathan and I decided we should start "trying." That was in January 2012. For some reason inside of me I thought it would take us "awhile" to get pregnant. And when I say awhile I thought six or seven months. So I thought we should start trying sooner rather than later. Well a year passed and I never got pregnant. In January 2013 we were living in Virginia and I scheduled an appointment with a fertility specialist. The doctor was nice and we began the testing in February. Both Nathan and I got checked out and everything came back normal, we fall under "unexplained infertility". I figured that would happen, we are both young, healthy people. My doctor scheduled us to do an IUI (artificial insemination) in March. March came and we did our first IUI and it ended in a negative. I was heartbroken because I really thought that would do the trick. Well we moved to Sacramento in April and were going to Uganda in June so I didn't meet with a new fertility specialist till after our trip towards the end of June. I like this doctor a lot more. She actually wanted to find out WHY I wasn't getting pregnant. She thought I had possible endometriosis on the bowel. I had a colonoscopy done, and no endometriosis could be found. I talked to my doctor and she said with the next cycle we will do another IUI. I was waiting for my period to come, but it never came! In September I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! We were over the moon happy. I got pregnant and without any medical help. It was truly a miracle. A couple of days before my first ultrasound I started to bleed. I knew that this was going to be it. I miscarried. The weeks following were the hardest of my life. I was so sad and mad. It took us 20 months to get pregnant with that baby, only for me to lose it. Why would Heavenly Father do this to me? Why would he take something from me that I have wanted and prayed for for so long? I knew that was the wrong attitude to have and I now look at the miscarriage as a blessing. I see it as Heavenly Father telling me I CAN get pregnant. He was telling me in His own way not to give up, this CAN happen, and will happen. Life went on and I had my second IUI in November, negative. My third IUI in December, negative. And my fourth and final IUI in January, negative. Two years of trying, a miscarriage and four failed IUIs, this is why we are doing IVF. I know IVF is a huge step, but it's something I think I need to do. I will do whatever it takes to get my baby in my arms.
I am sure some of you reading this (if anyone reads this little blog of mine) are asking yourselves, why are you blogging about this? I am not blogging about this because I want to pull the "woe is me" card, and make everyone feel bad for me. I live a blessed life and am happy. I am blogging about this because I know there are others out there suffering like I am. I find talking to others who are going through infertility really helps me. So I hope that I can help someone that is going through this as well.
I guess I could start with infertility sucks. Infertility is, hands down, the hardest trial I have ever gone through and probably will ever go through. It's hard seeing all your friends, family, strangers get pregnant (and some by "surprise") when others are struggling with infertility and doing everything humanly possible to get pregnant and it not working. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for my friends and family that are blessed with children, I just wish it was me. I wish I didn't have hundreds of doctors appointments. I wish I didn't have to get poked, prodded and tested. I wish I didn't have to take a ton of different hormones and medications. I wish all that poking, prodding, medications and hormones worked. I wish I could get pregnant. I know a lot of you are probably thinking I am crazy for wanting to get pregnant at such a "young" age, but it's what I've wanted since I was a child myself. I've always wanted to be a mom. I think that's why I enjoy nannying so much. I get to be the "mom" I can't be to my own children. Becoming a mom is so important to me that I will do whatever it takes. That's why we have decided to do IVF.
I guess I should start from the beginning. After a year of marriage Nathan and I decided we should start "trying." That was in January 2012. For some reason inside of me I thought it would take us "awhile" to get pregnant. And when I say awhile I thought six or seven months. So I thought we should start trying sooner rather than later. Well a year passed and I never got pregnant. In January 2013 we were living in Virginia and I scheduled an appointment with a fertility specialist. The doctor was nice and we began the testing in February. Both Nathan and I got checked out and everything came back normal, we fall under "unexplained infertility". I figured that would happen, we are both young, healthy people. My doctor scheduled us to do an IUI (artificial insemination) in March. March came and we did our first IUI and it ended in a negative. I was heartbroken because I really thought that would do the trick. Well we moved to Sacramento in April and were going to Uganda in June so I didn't meet with a new fertility specialist till after our trip towards the end of June. I like this doctor a lot more. She actually wanted to find out WHY I wasn't getting pregnant. She thought I had possible endometriosis on the bowel. I had a colonoscopy done, and no endometriosis could be found. I talked to my doctor and she said with the next cycle we will do another IUI. I was waiting for my period to come, but it never came! In September I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! We were over the moon happy. I got pregnant and without any medical help. It was truly a miracle. A couple of days before my first ultrasound I started to bleed. I knew that this was going to be it. I miscarried. The weeks following were the hardest of my life. I was so sad and mad. It took us 20 months to get pregnant with that baby, only for me to lose it. Why would Heavenly Father do this to me? Why would he take something from me that I have wanted and prayed for for so long? I knew that was the wrong attitude to have and I now look at the miscarriage as a blessing. I see it as Heavenly Father telling me I CAN get pregnant. He was telling me in His own way not to give up, this CAN happen, and will happen. Life went on and I had my second IUI in November, negative. My third IUI in December, negative. And my fourth and final IUI in January, negative. Two years of trying, a miscarriage and four failed IUIs, this is why we are doing IVF. I know IVF is a huge step, but it's something I think I need to do. I will do whatever it takes to get my baby in my arms.
I am sure some of you reading this (if anyone reads this little blog of mine) are asking yourselves, why are you blogging about this? I am not blogging about this because I want to pull the "woe is me" card, and make everyone feel bad for me. I live a blessed life and am happy. I am blogging about this because I know there are others out there suffering like I am. I find talking to others who are going through infertility really helps me. So I hope that I can help someone that is going through this as well.
You are brave to post about this. It is a raw, tender topic especially for you after all you have suffered. I think modern day medicine is amazing abd should be taken advantage of under the right circumstances. It looks like you and your husband are the perfect candidates for IVF. The Koplin Family will keep you in their prayers :) We hope to see a baby announcement post soon. Lots of Love.
ReplyDeletelove you!!
ReplyDeletelove you al al! you are very strong!! keep hanging in there! i'm praying for you two!
ReplyDeleteI'm SO sorry you are going through these challenges, but am excited for you guys to do IVF and will be rooting for you! We had unexplained infertility for nearly five years, and I randomly got pregnant after doing an HSG (after 5 months of taking chlomid with no success). My second child came really fast after the first, which was a complete shock, and then we had another year of trying for #3, then a difficult miscarriage, and another year before we were pregnant again.
ReplyDeleteI always had a feeling too that it would be hard for us to get pregnant, so I was glad that we started early, even though it wasn't always easy to get doctors to take us seriously because we were in our 20s when trying to get pregnant the first time. Infertility with no clear answers is stressful, frustrating, and difficult especially in our church where it seems like everyone around you has kids or is pregnant. Good job for being strong and being open - it will help you so much! Good luck!
I felt like this huge weight was lifted off me when I started telling people what I was going through. I hope the same is true for you! The power of prayer is real, and especially in numbers- now you have lots of people that know and are praying for you (including me!) Wishing you the best of luck!!
ReplyDeleteOkay Ali you are incredible and so strong in facing something so difficult. I know the sweet joy that comes from bringing a baby into this world and the joy of having one to call yours and I can only imagine how much sweeter it will be for you and Nathan. Love you and think of you often.
ReplyDeleteAllie, you are very brave to share such a personal issue. I am sure you will find strength as other people read this post and can relate. We will be praying for you and Nathan. I know that you will make an amazing mother one day. Sending love your way!
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I have gone through a very similar situation I miscarried our first right before our first ultra sound 4 years ago and then nothing, I did 2 IUI's both ending negative, then my husband and I decided to do IVF it was very hard physically and mentally but when we found out it worked and we were pregnant it was all worth it!!! I ended up losing our angel at 10 weeks so we did another round of IVF this one didn't even take. I know how badly it sucks to watch everyone and their dogs get pregnant some not even caring to get pregnant and there you are trying everything to get what they have. Hang in there gods timing is all his and we have to wait for it and learn why we are waiting. It's been a little over 4 years for us struggling with infertility miscarriages IUI's and IVF's but a miracle happened and I just barely found out I've become pregnant on my own. Now I don't know if this one will last but I'm optimistic that my time has come!!! Keep your chin up, you are so brave for going through this its not an easy road but it will be worth it no matter the results!!! Best of luck to you.
ReplyDelete